


On The Wind

by MagicalStalwartGizmo



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Dark, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Purge, F/M, Heavy Angst, Missing Persons, References to Depression, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-08-23 04:34:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16612037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalStalwartGizmo/pseuds/MagicalStalwartGizmo
Summary: Lavellan handles her breakup with Solas not in the best of ways





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I actually created a new story today and I'm kinda proud of it. I'm super proud of it because it was deeply personal and really hard to write. 
> 
> Imagine if you will an Inquisitor Lavellan battling a mental disorder (namely depression) and no one knows about it. Imagine her response to the insurmountable odds against her and then the added stress of Solas' breakup.
> 
> I've left it with a fairly open ending because, well not all mental disorder stories have happy endings. That's why we write, to make the happy ever afters, yes?
> 
> Anyway, please let me know what you think. Thanks!

It had all started so well.

He had taken her to Crestwood; the glade was much more inviting with the wyvern slain. The veil so thin here she could feel the Fade dancing across her skin like standing to close to the firelight.

He had spoken to her, explained the true meaning of her vallaslin, and asked if she had wished them removed. Although the initial shock of having her face covered with slave marking because of the Dalish’s lack of understanding passed, she had agreed to have him cast his spell to remove her blood writing.

His hands hovered over her face and she felt the comfortable tingle of his magic caress her face. She closed her eyes allowing him to complete his spell. Her trust in his work implicit. As quickly as it began, she felt his magic ebb and his hands fall away from her face.

“Ar lasa mara revas,” he whispered as she slowly opened her eyes. She gazed at him noting the look of adoration and love. “You are so beautiful,” he breathed reverently, cupping her face.

…And then it all came crashing down.

He left her standing there in the glade and as he walked away, she refused to shed the tears threatening to spill. Even after she had told him she loved him. Even as he turned his back to her and walked away.

She did not know how long she watched him leave. Staring at the last place he had been long after his lithe form had slipped into the darkness of the cave. She had not even realized she was crying until the breeze caressed her cheeks, finding them cold. She fell to her knees staring down at her hands, the anchor flared to life as she let out a shriek laced with anguish. She sat there with her knees in the dirt and mud and screeched to the moon like a feral animal. She could never know how long she lay there screaming to the sky until her own wails could not be heard over the sound of the local wolf packs. She screamed her pain and anguish to the sky until her voice was hoarse and her throat raw.

Eventually, she found the strength to raise herself from the dirt. She didn’t even bother to wipe her tear-streaked face or the mud from her leggings.

After her emotional purge, she felt nothing inside. Neither love nor hate; fear nor compassion. She was empty – her movements wooden as she climbed onto her horse and made her way slowly back to Skyhold.

~~~~

She reached the gates of Skyhold as the first rays of the morning peaked over the Frostbacks. No one was awake this early, save for the few guards patrolling the battlements. Quietly she slipped from her horse, trading it off for the least assuming mount in the stable. She made her way to her chambers, collecting her few possessions and preparing to take her journey... Anywhere but here. Slipping back through the keep unnoticed, she made her way back to the stable and her waiting mount.

“ _Ar lasa mara revas_ – You are free. This is not what he meant,” Cole spoke insightfully.

“Perhaps he should have been more clear,” she spoke without emotion.

“You’re hurting and leaving.” Cole said more a statement than a question.

“I am,” she replied softly. "Cole - speak of this to no one. I do not wish to be followed."

“They will miss you and they will look for you. Searching, watching, have to find her.”

“They are welcome to try,” she grunted, mounting her horse and kicking its sides before galloping out of the gates of Skyhold.


	2. Chapter 2

When they questioned why he returned alone, Solas had requested her companions to leave it be. She just needed time and would seek them out in her own time. She had not come down for breakfast in two days. In fact, no one had seen her for two days. Her chamber door was locked from the inside, indicating she was inside, still in mourning. Leliana had been skeptical at best, simply providing a small head nod and tight-lipped smile she always did when she believed the whole truth was being withheld.

On the third day, Dorian had had enough. He asked Varric to pick her lock after his pounding on the door went unheeded. The door swung open their Inquisitor’s chamber.

“Inquisitor?” Varric called out into the resounding silence.

“Aelyna?” Dorian called out, now concerned. They searched her chambers finding nothing was out of place, no signs of struggle. Nothing to suggest that anything was amiss.

Both Varric and Dorian looked at each other and nodded before heading to the Rotunda for some much needed answers.

~~~~~

“What happened in Crestwood, Solas? You will tell me voluntarily or I will _make_ you tell me,” Dorian growled.

“It was not any of your concern-,” Solas groaned, rubbing his jaw from where Dorian’s staff had connected.

“I’m making it my concern! She has not been down from her room since you returned from Crestwood – that was three days ago. Her chambers, locked from the inside, were _empty_. She. Is. Gone. And we want to know why,” Dorian roared as Varric did his best to hold the Vint back from starting an altercation.

“What do you mean _gone_?” Solas asked, eyes suddenly widening.

“I thought I explained myself rather articulately,” Dorian retorted

“What he means, Chuckles, is you were the last to see her and now she’s gone. We need to know what happened. It may help us find out where she went,” Varric interjected.

Solas slumped his shoulders and moved to sit at his desk. He had gone over many scenarios as to how she would react and he had to admit, this was not one of them.

“I told her the truth,” he started. “I told her the truth behind the meaning of her Vallaslin and she permitted me to remove them. I told her…,”

“ _Ar lasa mara revas_ – You are so beautiful,” Cole appeared. “You told her she was free and then let her go. How could you let her go?”

“You broke up with her?” Varric and Dorian sounded in unison.

“I told her I was a distraction she did not need in the coming battle,” he whispered. “I thought it would be best…,”

“Fasta Vass! You didn’t think at all!” Dorian snarled, fighting against Varric’s hold on him.

“Cole, do you know where she went?” Solas asked solemnly.

“ _They will look for you. Searching, watching, have to find her – They are welcome to try_ ,” Cole looked up from under his big, floppy hat, eyes dark.

“No,” Cole snarled before disappearing.

“Chuckles, how did you manage to piss off a spirit of Compassion so thoroughly?” Varric signed heavily before walking away. “I’ll inform the advisors but you, Solas, get to tell Nightingale. This is your big steaming pile of nugshit.”

~~~~~

“I’ve got my agents on the lookout for anyone matching an elf of her description, sans vallaslin. Sera has her Red Jenny contacts looking as well, she is… _concerned_. Aelyna has a good start ahead of us but we will find her.” Leliana reported, standing next to the war table.

“This is so unlike her, to shirk responsibility…,” Cullen mumbled.

“She is a woman and a woman scorned, at that,” Cassandra replied knowingly. “Everyone has their breaking point, perhaps she was stretched too far and this was simply hers.”

“Not that it’s unusual, considering his nature, but no one has seen or heard from Cole since this morning,” Varric added with a note of concern.

“Perhaps he is with her? As capable as she is, I do not like to think of her alone at a time like this,” Josephine added helpfully.

The tension and concern was palpable in the War Room. They needed to find their Inquisitor. Their Inquisitor who seemed content to not be found.  

~~~~~

“I know you are there Cole. You do not have to hide from me,” Aelyna spoke into the night air.

“They are looking now,” Cole murmured close to her ear.

“That is fine. Where I go, they cannot follow,” she spoke softly.

“You are hurting,” he spoke quietly.

“Sometimes hurting lets us know we’re still alive. Sometimes hurting is a good thing,” she forced.

“ _Ar lasa mara revas_ – If you want to be free–,” he started.

“Let me finish my work, Cole,” she replied tersely. The spirit hesitated before disappearing.

Trained in the ways of June, the lines she carved flowed like water, delicate and purposeful, masterfully carved on her medium of choice: herself.


	3. Chapter Three

She moved west towards Orlais, through the forests avoiding the main roads and ever mindful of Inquisition scouts and spies.

Each night, she would stop to continue her work. Each night she would carve into herself and allowed the physical pain to overtake the overwhelming nothingness she felt inside. Each night tears would mix with the red blood of her art and add the sting of bitter heartbreak to her canvas. Each night she would apply the salve like she always had to prevent infection and wrap the chosen limb tightly and carefully.

Her fragile mindset fractured into a thousand sharp shards too painful to pick up. Her dark thoughts too overwhelming, too loud. Cole had left her to her work She moved on without any real knowledge of why, she just  _did_. As she had always done. She gave herself no choice but to move forward. Each step more painful than the last, like walking through broken glass. And so she wandered and carved.

~~~~~

Solas sat at his desk reviewing an ancient tome for a locating spell, when he felt the presence.

"Cole?" 

"Not too shallow, not too deep, just right. Wrapped up tight, clean it, scrub it, make it bleed. There's too much. She's losing." Cole spoke quickly, whatever he had witnessed had was clearly causing him distress.

"What's too much, Cole?" Solas spoke quietly in an even tone trying not to allow his own growing feelings of dread.

"She's hurting and won't let me help!" the spirit spoke in distress

"This is a hurt you cannot heal, Cole. Let it go." He spoke stoically.

Cole looked up at Solas through his shaggy blonde bangs with hurt and pain in his blue eyes.

"She is alone and needs you. You won't go. Your plans will fail without the power of the anchor.  _You_ will fail without her, Wolf."

"How...," Solas staggered back, surprised by his friend's outburst.

"Enough time has been wasted here.  _Mar solas ena mar din_ ,  _Harellan_. (Your pride will be your death, Trickster.)" Cole hissed before disappearing.

Solas hung his head as tears sprung to his eyes. _How_ _could I have been so foolish?_

~~~~~

"You know where she is?" Dorian asked again.

"Yes. Hurry - There's too much," Cole rambled as Dorian and Varric exchanged worried glances.

"If you are going, I'm coming with you. I can not sit by idly any longer," Cullen spoke up. Leliana and Josephine nodded and exchanged knowing glances.

"Where?" the trio asked in unison.

"The Hissing Wastes," Cole whispered, "Hurry," before disappearing.

~~~~~

They made record time in traversing nearly an entire continent. Cole informed them She hadn't moved yet, which they weren't sure was a relief or more distressing. The Hissing Wastes were a miserable place to begin with, Thedas' arsehole if a landmass could achieve such a feat. 

Cullen sat by himself one night speaking his nightly prayers to the Maker, praying to keep her safe and to return her safely. Not because the Inquisition needed her but because a small, selfish part of him did. He had harbored a crush on the lithe elf since her sacrifice at Haven. She had flirted with him on occasion but never took it any further than a few sidelong glances. There was always a note of sadness behind her bright eyes and part of him longed to look into her eyes and find that sadness missing. There in the moonlight on bended knee, he begged the Maker, Andraste, even Aelyna's Creators, to anyone who would listen, that they would find her safe.

Dorian watched as the Commander of the Inquisition prayed in the moonlight. Slowly he stood, walking towards the distressed man. Placing his hand on the Commander's shoulder, Cullen looked up at him with tears streaming down his face, and his heart shattered for this lonely, broken man.

"H-How could she leave? Didn't she know how much I needed her? I.. I gave her space to be with who I thought would be better for her... Maker why can't I do anything right?!" He muttered before slamming his fist into the ground before beginning to sob openly.

"You musn't blame yourself, Commander. As her best friend I can barely focus on anything but finding her safe. What ever her reasoning for leaving, she had to have felt it was her only option, regardless of the flawed logic."

"Thank you, Dorian. I apologize for my outburst."

"Nonsense, I understand more than you know what it's like to pine for someone from afar," he winked at Cullen before heading back to camp a few feet away.

~~~~~

"Drink," Cole instructed, pressing the flask to Aelyna's parched and split lips.

"No, Cole. Leave me. I am fine," she protested weakly.

"He's scared.  _I need her,_ " Cole whispered

"Solas does not need me. He made that  _abundantly_ clear," she spat with a scowl.

"Not Solas -  _Harellan._ Cullen is scared. You are scared too. Let me help."

"I... C-Cullen? I can't let him see me like this," she jerked in an attempt to move, crying out in pain, as her art began to openly weep again.

"It's never been this bad. I-I messed up big this time, Cole," she wept but no tears came in her weakened state. "Don't leave me, please. I am afraid."

"I will stay," Cole spoke quietly, holding her bleeding body and broken spirit tightly in his arms as she slipped into unconsciousness.

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: Can I say how hard this was to write on a personal level? After being a cutter myself, it can be a really hard habit to break. From the constant need to feel something, anything other than emotional pain to thinking of new ways to hide your shame about your own inability to control your emotions. 
> 
> Do not let your mind or emotions rule how you live your life. You can overcome life's obstacles in better, more healthy & constructive ways. The first and hardest step is telling someone. If you or someone you love hurts themselves, please talk about it. It's ok to hurt - It's not ok to hurt yourself. You are cherished beyond measure by someone. Never forget that.
> 
> Keep fighting the good fight.  
> ☆MagicalStalwartGizmo


End file.
